I had a difficult conversation with a friend a couple of days ago. Thinking about it, I’m not sure I gave her a very satisfactory answer, though I’m unsure what I could have said that would have been better.
“I looked at your blog,” she told me during our conversation. “I just don’t understand how you can be so VIOLENT!” When I asked her what she meant, she referred to this post, and to how I’d looked at the situation and lessons learned. “How can you go through life all day thinking about the world that way?” she asked me. “Like everyone’s out to get you and you have to respond with violence!”
I was really at a loss to put my mindset into terms that made sense to her. See, here’s the thing: I don’t glorify violence. I’m NOT a violent, angry, aggressive person. Far from it, in fact. I’m a mediator (among other things), a writer, a communicator. In an ideal world, I’d like nothing better than to never need a knife for anything more serious than opening a box. I’d love it if I lived in a world where guns were tools used to put food on the table and to enjoy the challenge of marksmanship, and if they were never trained at a human target.
But the truth, as I know only too well, is that we don’t live in that world. We live in a world where the are predators willing to meet their needs – for money, for possessions, for sex and power and lust and other things – by taking what is ours. I know this lesson only too well: I’ve been a victim of rape, assault, home invasion robbery, cyber-stalking. I’ve felt the bite of a knife into the soft skin of my throat. I’ve stared down the barrel of a firearm. I’ve felt unwelcome hands inside my clothes. I’ve tasted terror and powerlessness.
So, it’s not that I choose to go out into the world and do violence. Far from it, I try to spread peace and kindness and compassion as much as possible. I would NEVER initiate violence against an innocent human being.
But if I happen to cross paths with a predator, I’m certainly not about to sit passively and allow myself and my loved ones to be harmed. I do not carry a weapon to harm others; I carry a weapon so that if, god forbid, I cross paths with someone who desires to harm me and my loved ones, I can respond effectively.
There’s an old story about a marketing executive who was asked about his spending. The punch line of the story is that he declared that 50 cents of each dollar he spent on marketing was wasted, but that since it was impossible to tell which 50 cents, he had to keep spending the whole dollar. Similarly, the vast majority of people we encounter each day in our lives absolutely do not mean us any harm. For those of us who live average middle class lives, it might be only one person in a million. If that’s true, it means we could go through life blindly ignoring everyone around us, and 99.9999% of the time we’d be just fine.
But what happens when we hit that one in a million occurrence, that random predator who’s selected US as their victims? Do we simply sit back and allow ourselves to be victimized? Do we fight back – and equip ourselves with the skills, training, and tools to do so effectively? Or do we trust that we’ll have time in that moment to call 911 and that law enforcement will arrive before the bad guy can take whatever it is he wants from us?
I speak from firsthand experience when I say that even five minutes can be an eternity when you’re on the receiving end of predatory violence.
I tried to explain all of this to my friend, but I’m not sure how good of a job I did. This is something I really struggle with, explaining my mindset to people who don’t look at the world the way I do. How do you approach this topic with YOUR friends and family? I feel like this is a real struggle for me, so I welcome your thoughts and comments.
I’ve never tried to explain it to anyone (other than our Senators); I think that’s because the people in my life are mostly family who lived through the same childhood I did. That means there’s no question that there is evil in the world.
That evil exists is definitely not in question, but it seems that some folks aren’t comfortable with being reminded of the fact. I wonder, too, if the issue is partly that our media and entertainment industries condition people to think that guns and knives and the like are offensive weapons in private hands rather than defensive ones.
Thanks for reading and commenting!
Excellent, Tammy, as always.
The answer to your question is, however, sadly never likely to be satisfactory. In the first place, people see and believe what they want to see and believe for the most part. Rationalization, fooling ourselves, is a major human trait that is encouraged greatly by our relatively safe environment. If one is never thrust into the harsh reality of danger, it is easy to ignore.
Second, that same relatively safe environment has fooled an awful lot of people into thinking that they don’t need to assume responsibility for much of anything. (The role government and “public schools” play in this is a topic for another time, probably elsewhere.)
In any case, everyone loves a bargain. We love “free stuff.” If we can live easy and care free, what’s not to like? So, many do live that way, closing their eyes to the very real dangers around them until, sadly, it hits them unprepared and they go looking for someone ELSE to hold responsible.
And that last is the explanation for those who have been victims, have been thrust into the harsh light of reality, and yet stubbornly cling to the irrational idea that it’s all someone else’s fault, someone else’s responsibility to keep them safe. The most rabid of these, sadly, are those who have been touched with deadly violence – such as the families of Sandy Hook victims – and then conclude that the violence would magically stop if everyone was completely helpless against the predators – and even that the predators can somehow be made helpless as well. It is they who can’t conceive of the fact that the same tools used to perpetrate evil can be and are used to prevent evil. So, we struggle against denial, rationalization, abdication of personal responsibility, and all too often… against pure, unadulterated magical thinking and fantasy.
Therefore, don’t feel bad about not being able to communicate reality to your friend. It is not any failure on your part, by any means. She has chosen what to see, believe, and how she wishes to live.
I’m terribly sorry for people like her, and I hope she can change her mind about it with your example, but that is her responsibility alone. It’s a sad world sometimes.
I agree, as usual, with much of what you say. And it is indeed frustrating that many people think “a madman killed people with a gun, so ban all guns and, voila – problem solved.” The reality, as you well know, is that people have been finding ways to kill one another since long before the invention of gunpowder and will still be doing so long after some other technology comes along that renders firearms antiquated relics.
The only dependable solution I can think of in a free society to the problem of predatory violence is to equip those who would be its victims to more properly defend themselves – with weapons, sure, but with skills and training too. Spotting the bad guy coming and getting out of the way is always a good option, in my book.
I, with all my belief, support what MamaLiberty has said above. I have also found (my wife too), that those that have not been touched by violence a lot of times do not “get it”. How many people do you know that were against violence, lived in a secure bubble, etc.. until they were violated? Then they change to what you are today, and then “get it”.
I can say that while my wife and I did not fall completely in the first group, it was not until bad things happened a couple of times for us to change our process. Now we are switched on, and huge advocates of being prepared.
No amount of explaining your mindset and thought process would have been correct in her eyes. Your friend simply doesn’t want to see it.
I fear you’re correct, Mark, but I do always try to build bridges of understanding. Maybe it’s just my nature, but if I can’t bring a friend from “guns are evil and bad” to wanting to learn to protect themselves, maybe I can at least help them get to “I don’t choose to own a gun, but I understand and accept the reasons why you do.”
But it’s definitely hard work getting there sometimes.
You don’t have to explain anything to anyone. It’s none of your business what they think.
Well put.
But building bridges seems to be what I do sort of naturally…or try to do, anyway.
Thanks for reading and commenting!
Great Q and A about a tough topic.
Begin by saying that you feel safer in this “weird” world being prepared than not! (everyone feels that way)
Then on to the cutesy bumper sticker line that can make light of an uncomfortable moment in the conversation: I have to carry a gun around because a cop would be too heavy! (make a joke, lessen the discomfort)
Then, with a shrug of my shoulders, I tell her that for me it’s better to be safe than sorry, like carrying around tampons/pads/diapers/extra glasses/an umbrella/etc… probably won’t need it, but just in case! (maybe she has something like that in her purse)
And finally you could tell her that you find strength in sharing your feelings in a blog. Then ask her if she blogs, has read any other good blogs, whatever transition to change the subject. (off the hook!)
These are all great suggestions, which I’ll remember for the future. The particular friend I wrote about and I have settled into a “just don’t talk about it” spot for right now, but the subject may come up again with her and others.
Thanks for reading and commenting!
If I may be so presumptuous as to respond with my suggestion:
The next time your friend questions why you are armed, trained and prepared for a violent attack, consider telling her that you are a “VIP Bodyguard.”
Why “VIP Bodyguard?” Because your loved ones are Very Important Persons to you, and you are a Very Important Person to your loved ones – and VIP’s like yourself and your loved ones may well need an armed bodyguard to be ready to protect them.
(Incidental associations with Kevin Costner’s and Clint Eastwood’s cinematic bodyguard characters wouldn’t hurt, either.)
Of course, since you do not have the financial means to hire a third-party full-time professional bodyguard, you have instead chosen to assume that role for yourself and your loved ones, and consequently you have assumed the responsibility and expense of obtaining the weapons and defensive training you need to fulfill your role as your own “VIP Bodyguard.”
(Actually, if you Google “be your own bodyguard,” there’s actually a lot of self-defense training resources available.)
The key concept to get across to your friend about “being your own VIP bodyguard” is that as a “bodyguard,” you always try your best to keep your “VIPs” and yourself away from trouble – but nevertheless, you remain armed, trained and prepared for when trouble unavoidably comes to you; and that even though the last thing that a “bodyguard” like yourself wants to do is to take (or fire) a bullet for your “VIPs,” you still have to be prepared to do exactly that as a last resort.
Hopefully, once your friend comes to terms with why you have chosen to “be your own VIP bodyguard,” you can find common ground by discussing the “VIPs” in her own life, and perhaps why and how she might choose to become her own “VIP bodyguard”…
This coming Sunday I’ll be posting the fourth install in my updated series on the rationale for gun ownership, which goes in considerable detail on mindset issues. Actually, the entire series does.
https://statelymcdanielmanor.wordpress.com/
However, it may be impossible to try to convince those who will not be convinced, for there is no evidence that can convince those convinced that there is no possible evidence that can convince them of anything other than their preconceptions. A bit repetitive, but you get the point about the circular nature of the “thinking” of such people.
I too often gently try to help others understand. During my police days, my wife, who knows me better than anyone, often told me she could not imagine me being violent, yet when it was necessary–not often–I employed violence, well, violently and effectively.
It is entirely possible to live a life apparently free of violence, yet when required, avoid or overcome violence directed against you. This requires training and practice, which cannot occur without the realization that evil exists, is always waiting and ready to harm others, and no amount of clean living, right thinking, or adherence to politically correct social policies can deter or combat it. There is no reason, none at all, that any one of us cannot be the victim of criminal violence at any time or place. There is no reason why it cannot occur in schools, or malls, or theaters, or any other place proclaimed by magical thinkers, a “gun free” zone. This kind of thinking is weakness, and weakness is always exploited by evil, which delights in weakness and self-delusion, particularly the delusion that no harm will ever befall one because it hasn’t happened so far.
I often ask magical thinkers what will they do when their gun free zones fail and someone with a gun in their hand and evil in their heart shows up? “The police!” Ah, but there are amazingly few of them, they won’t be there in time, and have no obligation to protect anyone. At this point, magical thinkers usually become very angry, start accusing me of racism or sexism or some ism, and stomp away muttering darkly.
We all make choices. I choose to be armed and prepared. This is not paranoia, but recognition of reality and the randomness of chance. I choose to be aware of my surroundings, and to realize that evil is out there, waiting its chance. This understanding enables me to be relaxed and calm, and to enjoy life. It is those who choose to be unaware, to be victims, who, if dumb luck is not with them, experience the debilitating terror of criminal violence, and then demand that the state punish the innocent to make up for their own lack of recognition of reality and preparedness.
Survival is not only a mindset, but takes effort. Those who choose magical thinking make a choice to be at the mercy of the merciless if evil visits them. When that happens, it will matter not at all who they voted for in the last presidential election.